Ambiguous Victories and Sweet Defeats

At eighteen, while I was preparing for sixth grade pianoforte examination conferred by the Royal School of Music, one of the exam pieces was by the famed Polish composer, Federic Chopin. My inability to keep time accurately to render 1/16 of a beat discernible by the human ear often provoked my brother, also my music teacher into letting out a long tirade about my deficiency. In defiance, I quitted piano lessons and remained a mere fifth grade holder. This is to be one of my early defeats which has remained a lifelong regret.

Last year, more than thirty years later, I bought a piano to take up the challenge once more. After a month’s laborious attempt to get familiar with the long forgotten keys, I embarked upon an ambitious attempt on my favourite piece - ‘Fantasie-Impromptu Op. 66’ with audacity. I was in high spirit and jocularly called the feat ‘Battling Chopin’.

Failure hit me with full force immediately. Undaunted, I turned the newly bought music book to the page containing ‘Polonaise in A flat major Op. 53’, another favourite, only to face a repeated defeat. I closed the music book feeling dejected, inadvertently came face-to-face with Chopin’s portrait on the book’s cover. The maestro, immortalized by his masterpieces, seemed to glance at me coldly; through his melancholic eyes he seemed to mock: ‘Still can’t do it, uh?’

But for my resolve to fulfill my dream, I could have humbly chosen to play less formidable pieces by Richard Clayderman. I deliberated on my failure and ascribed it to the tempo of the two Chopin pieces. In my third attempt, I wisely chose a slower one – ‘Nocturne in C sharp minor Op. 15’ - theme from the movie, The Pianist starring Adrian Bodine. Finally, I made it; though by normal standard, I had played it twice slower and haltingly too with lots of mistakes all over. I am well aware that by a concert pianist's standard, my triumph is but a horrendous defeat. My triumph lies in the fact that at long last it is a Chopin’s piece that I have played and that I actually enjoy the interludes which I do play well. Despite careful consideration, I am still ambivalent about whether to deem the attempt a sweet defeat or an ambiguous victory.

Over the years it has become a habit of mine to take up big challenges to fulfill an ideal despite negative signals from logical thinking about the high probability of failure. My mind hollers: ‘You can’t do it!’ But I retort just as loud: ‘What have I got to lose?’

Indeed, the worst aftermath scenario in such stalwart attempt is to get a chance to enjoy the process of doing what I want to do. Whereas a positive outcome is most desirable, a negative one makes me feel that I have given my best to gratify my wish; my best may not be good enough for others but it is for me.

Today, one year after taking up piano again, I humbly revert to Clayderman just to enjoy the wonderful uplifting sensation of soaring with the music I make; now that the battle with Chopin has been ambiguously rendered won.

Ambition wise, I have embarked on an attempt to formulate a novel way of looking at life and thence test it by living it out. The time frame I have allotted to it is five years starting from now. This endeavour is a repeat of my feat of battling Chopin. It is not difficult to foresee the pain and struggle lying ahead of me – a person of average caliber. I am fully prepared to accept a negative outcome gracefully by calling it a sweet defeat. A great comfort is that I can be assured of the availability of over two hundred virtual shoulders to cry on from SSP76 (when all the lost sheep are found). That alone gives me enough courage to launch the project.

There is no need to fear for me the possibility of any dire situation I may end up in in terms of frustration and psychological damage, for a true adventurer never omits to build in a buffering mechanism to soften the blow of defeat. Assuming I am to remain in JB’s Pelangi area, I will probably invite some of you for breakfast at Lavender, lunch at Togugawa and dinner at Gianni so that the pleasant ambience and the gastronomical delight can make up for the less entertaining content of the conversation about my failed attempt.